Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Guest Post: Facing Your Spiritual Abuser



Cindy, at the Under Much Grace blog has so kindly allowed us to re-post this article, entitled:


As we have seen in many of the stories here ( Kip's , for example), this is very much a reality.  Please stop over at Cindy's blog...but I must warn you...there is so much good information that you will need to have time on your hands!  Very educational.

For those that have answered A Call for Reconciliation, please take notes!

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Sometimes, members of a high demand group or a spiritually abusive church are called in to sessions of confrontation with their group leadership, pastors, and elders in order to intimidate them and to secure their compliance with group demands. And quite often, when people discover problems with manipulation, doctrine, or exploitation within their spiritually abusive church, they feel responsible to inform their leadership. Many people seek out their leaders to inform their leaders that they are leaving their group, just as a courtesy, to find personal closure, and sometimes, to hopefully make their spiritual abuser aware of the hurtful if not harmful nature of their actions – a personal courtesy to them.

Because of the authoritarian nature of spiritually abusive groups and the dynamics by which the leaders perpetuate control and coercion of the followers, group leaders generally react to this type of confrontation in very predictable ways. Such a system demands compliance with a certain set of dynamics, one of which demands complete perfection of the group, the way it does things, and the decisions made by the leaders. The group defines ultimate truth, so the group leadership speaks on God's behalf. The system demands complete devotion and compliance, requiring unquestioned obedience and complete submission to authority to any of their superiors on their chain of command. Because these dynamics demand that the follower assume fault at all costs, for the purposes of discussion, we have named the sessions of confrontation the “Star Chamber.”

Manipulative groups also make use of shame sessions that demand that the follower confess their faults to the group and the leadership. Deeply personal information elucidated in the “star chamber” can generally be extracted from group members because of the threatening nature of the confrontation sessions, what some high demand groups have formally called “the Hot Seat.”

If you're planning to confront a church leader that you suspect might be spiritually abusive, you will find this series of blog posts quite helpful. If you have advanced knowledge of the nature of a meeting to which you've been summoned, or if you are planning to confront manipulative church leaders, please take advantage of this information in advance. If you are recovering from this aspect of spiritual abuse which often proves to be quite difficult because of the moral questions that arise, you will likely find this information helpful to you as you work through the anger, grief, recovery, moving through your experience into triumph.

The many posts on the subject have been categorized to make them easier to navigate.


Thought Conversion During Confrontations
With a Manipulative Leader
(What is the Church Star Chamber and the Hot Seat?)


Considerations and Protective Measures to Take
When You Encounter a Hot Seat / Star Chamber Meeting

Friday, February 10, 2012

You Should Just Be Quiet

Please read Matthew Paul Turner's Me, troublemaker? post.

Over the last few weeks, my husband and I, like Matthew, have gotten many comments implying that we should not be talking about our experience at Mars Hill.  These commenters are knowingly or unknowingly employing the "Don't Talk" rule.

What is the "Don't Talk" rule?

David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen describe it in The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse like this:
"The can't talk rule has this thinking behind it: 'The real problem cannot be exposed because then it would have to be dealt with and things would have to change; so it must be protected behind walls of silence (neglect) or by assault(legalistic attack).  If you speak about the problem out loud, you are the problem.  In some way you must be silenced or eliminated." pg. 68

The authors point out that the people who talk about the problems don't CAUSE them, they EXPOSE them.  Johnson & VanVonderen

In Healing Spiritual Abuse by Ken Blue says:
"One of the most troubling abusive traits in the dysfunctional church or denominational family is the unwritten "no talk" rule. This rule implies that certain problems in the group must not be exposed because then the group might look bad and things would have to change. The "no talk" rule itself is among those things never talked about. Healthy groups thrive on the free flow of information. Members have ready access to each other's opinions and concerns. Sick groups generally suffer from confused, defective or controlled communication."

Most often, for my husband and I, it comes in one of the following forms:
  1. What you are doing is not contributing to the cause of Christ (so you should just be quiet)
  2. What you are doing is not edifying (so you should just be quiet)
  3. What can you do about it?  Pastor Mark is a big "celebrity" and Mars Hill is a huge influence on Christian culture.  You are just one person.  (So you might as well be quiet).  For fun, read  Judges 6:1-16
  4. I have had a wonderful experience at Mars Hill, you must have done something wrong. (So, please, just be quiet).
I have my moments when I feel like I should maybe, well, just be quiet.  I mean, what about the people who did meet Jesus through Mars Hill?  What about all the well meaning members who have nothing to do with all this?

And then I think of the people who have shared their stories, both publicly and privately.  Some have lost faith in church, some have lost faith in people, some have lost faith in God.  Some have lost family members, marriages, kids.  Most have lost dignity.

There are people who are afraid of retaliation!  Sometimes, I am one of them. This should not be happening in the church.  The human part of us should be able to see past our associations and have empathy for those who have suffered, even if it was at the hands of someone we love or an organization we are part of!

I am with Matthew when he says:
"In my opinion, Mark is one of the most influential “Christian figures” affecting today’s “Christian culture”. His reach influences various aspects of Christian life: church growth, ministry, gender roles in the church, relationships, and more. Furthermore, Mark proactively seeks to influence and nurture young male pastors, church ministry workers, missionaries, etc. If Mark’s theologies, actions, and church management style only impacted Mars Hill, I probably wouldn’t care. Well, I would care and certainly make note of it, but I wouldn’t keep coming back to it. But Mark’s “gospel” bleeds into and affects how pastors of churches all over the country (and world) are managing their churches and ministries, from missions to church discipline. His words affect how pastors teach and manage and control a woman’s role in the church, home, work, etc. If you think I’m crazy, go read a month’s worth of comments on his Facebook wall. These pastors watch Mark. They sometimes idolize him. Sometimes they hang on his every word. And it’s all intentional. Mark doesn’t accidentally influence these pastors, it’s his passion and calling. From what I’ve heard and seen, Mark wants to influence how churches all over the world function. And that’s scary in my opinion."

When we started looking for a new church, after "the shun", we went to church after church (not Mars Hill or Acts 29).  The first one was a bit far from us, and they asked us if we had heard of Acts 29 and that maybe we could find a church closer to home.  Then the pastor announced they would be implementing The City soon.

The next one we went to seemed fine.  We had been going for a few months.  We missed a few services, and later found out that one of the services we missed was preached by...none other than Pastor Mark.  A few weeks later they promoted his "Real Marriage" book as book of the week.

He is influencing all the Mars Hill campuses, 400+ Acts 29 churches, and countless other non affiliated pastors.  It is concerning.  It is harder to find a church, at least in our area, that is not a "fan" then it is to find one that is.

So, NO!  I WILL NOT JUST BE QUIET!  I am okay with being misunderstood.  I am okay with being labeled the "problem".  I am willing to lose a few friends. If telling our story and the stories of others helps one person, then it was worth it.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A Letter to Our Sisters

One of the main reasons I am doing this is for the women who I left behind.  My heart breaks for and I continually pray for these wonderful ladies who did what was expected of them.  May you find your way to true life and freedom.  
My new friend,  Christine , has something important to say to our sisters at Mars Hill:
"So, to women within Mars Hill, or any other community, who struggle with pervasive feelings of guilt and shame, who find themselves confessing and repenting but never feeling any better, who struggle with wanting to submit to their husbands (or who perhaps find a relief in submitting out of a fear of their own competence), I offer this: You can trust yourself. There’s a strong Biblical basis for you trusting yourself. I believe that your discontent is telling you something important. I think your so-called sinful desires that never really go away are not actually sin, but the imprint of God, the voice of the Spirit you received at both birth and baptism, guiding you in that still and silent way towards true life and freedom. Many of your sisters and brothers in Christ have held this theology of self-love, self-trust, and original goodness throughout the centuries. It is as legitimate as the messages you hear from your pulpit, just preached a little more quietly.
Get to know your own wise and trustworthy heart. There will be times where your behavior is not in line with your heart, and other times when you act on your desires in a misguided and even harmful way, but the solution always lies in listening more closely to the heart, not modifying the behavior. The Spirit of God resides within you, the image of God is imprinted on you, so dig through the junk that covers it up, and pursue your own heart. And, let me know how it goes."
Read Christine's full post:  A MESSAGE TO DISCONTENTED CHRISTIAN WOMEN