Over the last few weeks, my husband and I, like Matthew, have gotten many comments implying that we should not be talking about our experience at Mars Hill. These commenters are knowingly or unknowingly employing the "Don't Talk" rule.
What is the "Don't Talk" rule?
David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen describe it in The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse like this:
"The can't talk rule has this thinking behind it: 'The real problem cannot be exposed because then it would have to be dealt with and things would have to change; so it must be protected behind walls of silence (neglect) or by assault(legalistic attack). If you speak about the problem out loud, you are the problem. In some way you must be silenced or eliminated." pg. 68
The authors point out that the people who talk about the problems don't CAUSE them, they EXPOSE them. Johnson & VanVonderen
In Healing Spiritual Abuse by Ken Blue says:
"One of the most troubling abusive traits in the dysfunctional church or denominational family is the unwritten "no talk" rule. This rule implies that certain problems in the group must not be exposed because then the group might look bad and things would have to change. The "no talk" rule itself is among those things never talked about. Healthy groups thrive on the free flow of information. Members have ready access to each other's opinions and concerns. Sick groups generally suffer from confused, defective or controlled communication."
Most often, for my husband and I, it comes in one of the following forms:
"One of the most troubling abusive traits in the dysfunctional church or denominational family is the unwritten "no talk" rule. This rule implies that certain problems in the group must not be exposed because then the group might look bad and things would have to change. The "no talk" rule itself is among those things never talked about. Healthy groups thrive on the free flow of information. Members have ready access to each other's opinions and concerns. Sick groups generally suffer from confused, defective or controlled communication."
Most often, for my husband and I, it comes in one of the following forms:
- What you are doing is not contributing to the cause of Christ (so you should just be quiet)
- What you are doing is not edifying (so you should just be quiet)
- What can you do about it? Pastor Mark is a big "celebrity" and Mars Hill is a huge influence on Christian culture. You are just one person. (So you might as well be quiet). For fun, read Judges 6:1-16
- I have had a wonderful experience at Mars Hill, you must have done something wrong. (So, please, just be quiet).
I have my moments when I feel like I should maybe, well, just be quiet. I mean, what about the people who did meet Jesus through Mars Hill? What about all the well meaning members who have nothing to do with all this?
And then I think of the people who have shared their stories, both publicly and privately. Some have lost faith in church, some have lost faith in people, some have lost faith in God. Some have lost family members, marriages, kids. Most have lost dignity.
There are people who are afraid of retaliation! Sometimes, I am one of them. This should not be happening in the church. The human part of us should be able to see past our associations and have empathy for those who have suffered, even if it was at the hands of someone we love or an organization we are part of!
I am with Matthew when he says:
"In my opinion, Mark is one of the most influential “Christian figures” affecting today’s “Christian culture”. His reach influences various aspects of Christian life: church growth, ministry, gender roles in the church, relationships, and more. Furthermore, Mark proactively seeks to influence and nurture young male pastors, church ministry workers, missionaries, etc. If Mark’s theologies, actions, and church management style only impacted Mars Hill, I probably wouldn’t care. Well, I would care and certainly make note of it, but I wouldn’t keep coming back to it. But Mark’s “gospel” bleeds into and affects how pastors of churches all over the country (and world) are managing their churches and ministries, from missions to church discipline. His words affect how pastors teach and manage and control a woman’s role in the church, home, work, etc. If you think I’m crazy, go read a month’s worth of comments on his Facebook wall. These pastors watch Mark. They sometimes idolize him. Sometimes they hang on his every word. And it’s all intentional. Mark doesn’t accidentally influence these pastors, it’s his passion and calling. From what I’ve heard and seen, Mark wants to influence how churches all over the world function. And that’s scary in my opinion."
When we started looking for a new church, after "the shun", we went to church after church (not Mars Hill or Acts 29). The first one was a bit far from us, and they asked us if we had heard of Acts 29 and that maybe we could find a church closer to home. Then the pastor announced they would be implementing The City soon.
The next one we went to seemed fine. We had been going for a few months. We missed a few services, and later found out that one of the services we missed was preached by...none other than Pastor Mark. A few weeks later they promoted his "Real Marriage" book as book of the week.
He is influencing all the Mars Hill campuses, 400+ Acts 29 churches, and countless other non affiliated pastors. It is concerning. It is harder to find a church, at least in our area, that is not a "fan" then it is to find one that is.
So, NO! I WILL NOT JUST BE QUIET! I am okay with being misunderstood. I am okay with being labeled the "problem". I am willing to lose a few friends. If telling our story and the stories of others helps one person, then it was worth it.
