Kaelee's Story ~ A Follow Up

It’s been a crazy few weeks for me. After sharing my story on this blog I was asked to do an interview with a local news station about my experience at Mars Hill. I also finally made the decision to talk to the wife of the couple I spoke of in my story. After telling Sophia about my conversation with this woman she asked me to write a follow up post.

This is a poem I wrote after my experience at Mars Hill. I wrote it during the hardest part of recovery from my eating disorder:

I wish I could reach across the void between us,

I would fill it with all of the things we won’t say,

“You’ve changed,”

“You are judging me,”

“I envy you,”

Each tightly caged word, if spoken, could create a bridge,

We would meet in the middle.

But I am selfish and cowardly,

I hope you will do all the work.

So the void grows bigger,

Hope of crossing diminishes.

After reading the stories on this blog and choosing to share my own story, I began to find myself often thinking about healing, and what that would look like for me. Once again this brought up painful emotions, so I ignored them. I found it much easier to remain in an us-vs-them mindset regarding Mars Hill, and to simplify a very complicated problem down to Mars Hill and it’s mindsets.

After gentle encouragement from my therapist I finally decided to face my fears and speak with the wife of the couple who had hurt me. As displayed by the poem I wrote above, part of me always knew this is what needed to happen for my own healing. When I imagined this meeting I feared judgement, condemnation, and believed she would try and convert me or guilt me back into attending Mars Hill.

I am pleased to say how very wrong I was. Our meeting went wonderfully. We were both honest and open with each other about the events that had transpired and how they made us feel. She opened up to me about the religious pride she and her husband had struggled with. The flakey actions I discussed in my story had hurt her more than I realized. I also discovered that my own feelings towards Mars Hill turned out to be just as much to blame as their desire for my husband and I to attend. While she did say that Mars Hill preached the truth, and it was hard for her to see me rejecting the truth, she allowed me to disagree with her. For the first time she demonstrated that our relationship was more important to her than the matter of what church I attended. I don’t know if this attitude has always been there, or is more recent, but either way it is enough for me.

Virginia Woolf writes, “I have lost friends, some by death…others by sheer inability to cross the street.”

We have all been hurt. Some of those people who have hurt us will be unwilling to try and right their wrongs, they might try and shift the blame to you. If you risk it and try to talk to them you may leave even more wounded than you were before, but for me it was worth it for any amount of healing and clarification it could bring to my life. I can’t give anyone a formula to find forgiveness, I wouldn’t dare to be that presumptuous. Crossing the street happened to be the best decision I made during this process. My anger is gone and by pursuing my own healing I was finally able to forgive her in an honest fashion.

After my experience, I really just want to encourage everyone to be honest and open with themselves about what they need for healing and to trust that their own healing will lead to forgiveness. Don’t allow others to give you a formula for this process, and try to be realistic and understanding in your expectations of the people who have hurt you. There is always hope.

Judged

Sad but true in so many lives.  We can do better.

Which Came First...The Berean or The Outcast?

I think most of us who find ourselves here can identify with both the Berean and the Outcast.  I was pondering the idea...do Bereans become Outcasts?  Or do Outcasts become Bereans?

Be·re·an  noun \bəˈrēən\

In the bible, the Bereans were the people who lived in the city of Berea (present day northern Greece).

Easton's Bible Dictionary describes Berea as:

“A city of Macedonia to which Paul with Silas and Timotheus went when persecuted at Thessalonica (Acts 17:10, 13), and from which also he was compelled to withdraw, when he fled to the sea-coast and thence sailed to Athens (14, 15). Sopater, one of Paul's companions belonged to this city, and his conversion probably took place at this time (Acts 20:4). It is now called Verria.”

In Acts 17:11-13 , Luke writes:

And the people of Berea were more open-minded than those in Thessalonica, and they listened eagerly to Paul’s message. They searched the Scriptures day after day to see if Paul and Silas were teaching the truth. As a result, many Jews believed, as did many of the prominent Greek women and men. But when some Jews in Thessalonica learned that Paul was preaching the word of God in Berea, they went there and stirred up trouble. (NLT)

A Berean is simply a Christian that compares EVERYTHING they are taught to the Bible as the final authority.

Characteristics of the Berean:

• She/he is eager for the Word of God (synonyms of eager: crazy, desirous, enthusiastic, excited, greedy, hungry, pumped, raring, thirsty, voracious)
• He/she searches the scriptures daily (Doesn’t rely only on others for learning)
• She/he uses discernment (He/she is not influenced by fame, prestige or influence of the preacher or leader, only the word, and judges things according to that standard)
• He/she believes the Word, and influences others to believe the truth (v. 12)
• She/he is willing to suffer for the faith (v. 13 and see below)

I recently read this old post, More Roles in a Toxic Faith System – Enabler, Victim, and Outcast, at  The Wartburg Watch  about the role of “The Outcast” in the book Toxic Faith by Stephen Arteburn and Jack Felton.

Outcast noun \out-kast\

Dictionary.com defines outcast as:

1. "a person who is rejected or cast  out, as from home orsociety: In the beginning the area was settled by outcasts,adventurers, and felons.
2. a homeless wanderer; vagabond.
3. rejected matter; refuse."

The Outcast (quoted from TWW which quoted the book):

"Of the five roles in the toxic-faith system, only one is not a religious addict or bound by toxic faith. In most toxic systems, someone can usually see the problem and confront it. Unwilling to play the games of the persecutors and co-conspirators, the person becomes an outcast.

The people who stand up for what is right and challenge the system lose their jobs, friends, and church. They become lone voices in the wilderness, crying out for change that will not come as long as the persecutor dictates power, the co-conspirators manipulate the system, the enablers allow it to continue, and the victims fall in line with blind faith. When outcasts surface, they are identified as TROUBLEMAKERS and pushed out of the system as soon as possible." (p. 201)

Characteristics of the Outcast: (p. 203)

• Is not a religious addict
• Does not possess a toxic faith
• Willingly stands alone
• Stands up for what is right
• Is willing to be rejected by others in the toxic-faith system
• Can discern right from wrong
• Commits to leaders having integrity
• Refuses to be victimized by false teaching and lack of integrity
• Speaks out for truth
• Usually loses a job within a toxic organization over concern for it
• Suffers rejection by friends after challenging the leadership of those in the toxic-faith system
• Often is treated as a leper
• Is begged by others in the toxic-faith system to support the persecutor
• Endures shame for actions
• Refuses to respect or be manipulated by those in the toxic-faith system
• Sees the truth and acts on it even if it produces great personal pain
• Interprets reality for self
• Is motivated to protect people from spiritual fraud
• Is very dedicated to God and the people who seek a relationship with him
• Commands respect of others for courage

"In a toxic faith system, no one is allowed to disagree.  If they ever try to speak out, they are labeled as complainers, negative thinkers, and not team players.  "Loyalty is equated with blind faith and complete agreement with the leader".  (p. 202) 

  

"Outcasts who challenge the delusion of the system are discredited immediately.  The toxic-faith system creates a lose-lose situation where the outcasts must give up perceptions of reality or be willing to face complete rejection.  Abandonment becomes the reward for trying to correct the ministry. 

Outcasts can interpret reality for themselves.  Even when their perception of reality contradicts that of hundreds and thousands of followers, they can clearly see the problems and press for solutions to those problems.  Outcasts are unimpressed by position or personhood.  They love God and want to protect his people and his institutions from spiritual fraud. 

Those who are so dedicated to God have little difficulty seeing others' dedication to ego and empires.  Yet they are forced to suffer for what they see because they refuse to watch people live a lie and abuse others.  No toxic-faith system can handle this keen insight and dedication to truth.  They must place their jobs and the church they love on the altar of sacrifice as they are forced to move on to a place free of toxic faith."  (p. 202)

I personally believe it can go either way.  My husband was a Berean first, and because he refused to submit to teaching that was not in line with the Word, he became the Outcast.  I think for me, it happened simultaneously!  As I began to question, I began to search the scriptures (Berean-ish), and soon became the Outcast as well.  I am forever grateful!  It is one of the most valuable life lessons I have ever learned, and I am a different (perhaps better) person because of it.

The authors of Toxic Faith offer this hope for us Berean-Outcasts:

"God honors those who are willing to sacrifice their comfort on the altar of what is right.  God has a special place in his heart for the heroes of a toxic-faith system.   Those who stand up for God and tell the world the emperor has no clothes will receive their reward sooner or later."  (p. 202)