Kaelee's Story ~ A Follow Up

It’s been a crazy few weeks for me. After sharing my story on this blog I was asked to do an interview with a local news station about my experience at Mars Hill. I also finally made the decision to talk to the wife of the couple I spoke of in my story. After telling Sophia about my conversation with this woman she asked me to write a follow up post.

This is a poem I wrote after my experience at Mars Hill. I wrote it during the hardest part of recovery from my eating disorder:

I wish I could reach across the void between us,

I would fill it with all of the things we won’t say,

“You’ve changed,”

“You are judging me,”

“I envy you,”

Each tightly caged word, if spoken, could create a bridge,

We would meet in the middle.

But I am selfish and cowardly,

I hope you will do all the work.

So the void grows bigger,

Hope of crossing diminishes.

After reading the stories on this blog and choosing to share my own story, I began to find myself often thinking about healing, and what that would look like for me. Once again this brought up painful emotions, so I ignored them. I found it much easier to remain in an us-vs-them mindset regarding Mars Hill, and to simplify a very complicated problem down to Mars Hill and it’s mindsets.

After gentle encouragement from my therapist I finally decided to face my fears and speak with the wife of the couple who had hurt me. As displayed by the poem I wrote above, part of me always knew this is what needed to happen for my own healing. When I imagined this meeting I feared judgement, condemnation, and believed she would try and convert me or guilt me back into attending Mars Hill.

I am pleased to say how very wrong I was. Our meeting went wonderfully. We were both honest and open with each other about the events that had transpired and how they made us feel. She opened up to me about the religious pride she and her husband had struggled with. The flakey actions I discussed in my story had hurt her more than I realized. I also discovered that my own feelings towards Mars Hill turned out to be just as much to blame as their desire for my husband and I to attend. While she did say that Mars Hill preached the truth, and it was hard for her to see me rejecting the truth, she allowed me to disagree with her. For the first time she demonstrated that our relationship was more important to her than the matter of what church I attended. I don’t know if this attitude has always been there, or is more recent, but either way it is enough for me.

Virginia Woolf writes, “I have lost friends, some by death…others by sheer inability to cross the street.”

We have all been hurt. Some of those people who have hurt us will be unwilling to try and right their wrongs, they might try and shift the blame to you. If you risk it and try to talk to them you may leave even more wounded than you were before, but for me it was worth it for any amount of healing and clarification it could bring to my life. I can’t give anyone a formula to find forgiveness, I wouldn’t dare to be that presumptuous. Crossing the street happened to be the best decision I made during this process. My anger is gone and by pursuing my own healing I was finally able to forgive her in an honest fashion.

After my experience, I really just want to encourage everyone to be honest and open with themselves about what they need for healing and to trust that their own healing will lead to forgiveness. Don’t allow others to give you a formula for this process, and try to be realistic and understanding in your expectations of the people who have hurt you. There is always hope.

Judged

Sad but true in so many lives.  We can do better.

Which Came First...The Berean or The Outcast?

I think most of us who find ourselves here can identify with both the Berean and the Outcast.  I was pondering the idea...do Bereans become Outcasts?  Or do Outcasts become Bereans?

Be·re·an  noun \bəˈrēən\

In the bible, the Bereans were the people who lived in the city of Berea (present day northern Greece).

Easton's Bible Dictionary describes Berea as:

“A city of Macedonia to which Paul with Silas and Timotheus went when persecuted at Thessalonica (Acts 17:10, 13), and from which also he was compelled to withdraw, when he fled to the sea-coast and thence sailed to Athens (14, 15). Sopater, one of Paul's companions belonged to this city, and his conversion probably took place at this time (Acts 20:4). It is now called Verria.”

In Acts 17:11-13 , Luke writes:

And the people of Berea were more open-minded than those in Thessalonica, and they listened eagerly to Paul’s message. They searched the Scriptures day after day to see if Paul and Silas were teaching the truth. As a result, many Jews believed, as did many of the prominent Greek women and men. But when some Jews in Thessalonica learned that Paul was preaching the word of God in Berea, they went there and stirred up trouble. (NLT)

A Berean is simply a Christian that compares EVERYTHING they are taught to the Bible as the final authority.

Characteristics of the Berean:

• She/he is eager for the Word of God (synonyms of eager: crazy, desirous, enthusiastic, excited, greedy, hungry, pumped, raring, thirsty, voracious)
• He/she searches the scriptures daily (Doesn’t rely only on others for learning)
• She/he uses discernment (He/she is not influenced by fame, prestige or influence of the preacher or leader, only the word, and judges things according to that standard)
• He/she believes the Word, and influences others to believe the truth (v. 12)
• She/he is willing to suffer for the faith (v. 13 and see below)

I recently read this old post, More Roles in a Toxic Faith System – Enabler, Victim, and Outcast, at  The Wartburg Watch  about the role of “The Outcast” in the book Toxic Faith by Stephen Arteburn and Jack Felton.

Outcast noun \out-kast\

Dictionary.com defines outcast as:

1. "a person who is rejected or cast  out, as from home orsociety: In the beginning the area was settled by outcasts,adventurers, and felons.
2. a homeless wanderer; vagabond.
3. rejected matter; refuse."

The Outcast (quoted from TWW which quoted the book):

"Of the five roles in the toxic-faith system, only one is not a religious addict or bound by toxic faith. In most toxic systems, someone can usually see the problem and confront it. Unwilling to play the games of the persecutors and co-conspirators, the person becomes an outcast.

The people who stand up for what is right and challenge the system lose their jobs, friends, and church. They become lone voices in the wilderness, crying out for change that will not come as long as the persecutor dictates power, the co-conspirators manipulate the system, the enablers allow it to continue, and the victims fall in line with blind faith. When outcasts surface, they are identified as TROUBLEMAKERS and pushed out of the system as soon as possible." (p. 201)

Characteristics of the Outcast: (p. 203)

• Is not a religious addict
• Does not possess a toxic faith
• Willingly stands alone
• Stands up for what is right
• Is willing to be rejected by others in the toxic-faith system
• Can discern right from wrong
• Commits to leaders having integrity
• Refuses to be victimized by false teaching and lack of integrity
• Speaks out for truth
• Usually loses a job within a toxic organization over concern for it
• Suffers rejection by friends after challenging the leadership of those in the toxic-faith system
• Often is treated as a leper
• Is begged by others in the toxic-faith system to support the persecutor
• Endures shame for actions
• Refuses to respect or be manipulated by those in the toxic-faith system
• Sees the truth and acts on it even if it produces great personal pain
• Interprets reality for self
• Is motivated to protect people from spiritual fraud
• Is very dedicated to God and the people who seek a relationship with him
• Commands respect of others for courage

"In a toxic faith system, no one is allowed to disagree.  If they ever try to speak out, they are labeled as complainers, negative thinkers, and not team players.  "Loyalty is equated with blind faith and complete agreement with the leader".  (p. 202) 

  

"Outcasts who challenge the delusion of the system are discredited immediately.  The toxic-faith system creates a lose-lose situation where the outcasts must give up perceptions of reality or be willing to face complete rejection.  Abandonment becomes the reward for trying to correct the ministry. 

Outcasts can interpret reality for themselves.  Even when their perception of reality contradicts that of hundreds and thousands of followers, they can clearly see the problems and press for solutions to those problems.  Outcasts are unimpressed by position or personhood.  They love God and want to protect his people and his institutions from spiritual fraud. 

Those who are so dedicated to God have little difficulty seeing others' dedication to ego and empires.  Yet they are forced to suffer for what they see because they refuse to watch people live a lie and abuse others.  No toxic-faith system can handle this keen insight and dedication to truth.  They must place their jobs and the church they love on the altar of sacrifice as they are forced to move on to a place free of toxic faith."  (p. 202)

I personally believe it can go either way.  My husband was a Berean first, and because he refused to submit to teaching that was not in line with the Word, he became the Outcast.  I think for me, it happened simultaneously!  As I began to question, I began to search the scriptures (Berean-ish), and soon became the Outcast as well.  I am forever grateful!  It is one of the most valuable life lessons I have ever learned, and I am a different (perhaps better) person because of it.

The authors of Toxic Faith offer this hope for us Berean-Outcasts:

"God honors those who are willing to sacrifice their comfort on the altar of what is right.  God has a special place in his heart for the heroes of a toxic-faith system.   Those who stand up for God and tell the world the emperor has no clothes will receive their reward sooner or later."  (p. 202)

Kaelee's Story

My husband and I began attending Mars Hill at a very vulnerable time in our lives. We were newly engaged and had both recently moved out of our parents homes to start life in a big city. My husband's best friend and his wife had begun attending Mars Hill and loved it. They invited us along and we decided to go with them. At this point in my life I was surrounded by people that attended Mars Hill. My roommate was involved in a community group and they would be in our apartment often and pressure me to join. I had several coworkers who attended Mars Hill who very subtly would question my faith because I wasn't attending Mars Hill. I was very skeptical, but I also really wanted to fit in. I ignored my feelings and gave in to what people expected of me hoping it would help me avoid conflict. I was young, and I realize now how naive that mindset was.
       We were attending Mars Hill every Sunday but we weren't involved in any way. In fact I usually would subtly try and be late so we could avoid the, "Meet and greet" I felt so much subtle judgement every time I shook someones hand and told them that no, we hadn't joined a community group yet. I also saw fear in the eyes of others like me when they went to shake my hand and expected the same guilt trip for not joining a community group, for wanting to attend the church a few times and decide if it was the right fit. Every sermon was painful for me. It's really hard for me to explain honestly. I had been attending church since I was very young and with that church I had always felt a sense of peace. I didn't always see eye to eye with everyone there and sometimes I felt judged by other members, but it didn't change the fact that my heart felt like it was in the right place. With Mars Hill I just felt sick. The messages didn't move me like the messages at  my previous church had. The final straw for me was the sermon Mark delivered after going to Haiti for Earthquake relief. It really bothered me that he only focused on other churches during his trip. So many people were affected by that earthquake and he preached as though only other Christians there were worth his time. Then at the end of the sermon he yelled for 5-10 minutes about how people were not giving enough money to Mars Hill and if I remember correctly, stormed off the stage. The church I had spent most of my life in so far had never asked anyone for money. They didn't even pass around an offering bucket. We had a love box in the back and I never heard my pastor ask for money once. He would speak about projects they were hoping to undertake and how they were praying that God would provide the means, and God always did. After that sermon I talked to my husband (Fiancé at the time) and we both decided that Mars Hill wasn't the place for us.
       I wish that was the end of my story, but unfortunately it is not. At that time my husband's best friend and his wife were becoming more and more involved in the church. They were becoming members but we were still hanging out with them and everything seemed fine. Fast forward a month or so and this friend of my husband asks him out to coffee. My husband goes and comes back visibly upset. We go out for dinner where he tells me that his best friend had said that my husband loved me too much, was idolizing me, that I had gone off the deep end, and then started bad-mouthing everything Jeffrey had learned from a previous mentor in our old church. This was very hard for me to believe. I told my husband I thought his friend was just confused and even though his words were incorrect they were most likely spoken out of love. I told my husband he should listen to his own heart and tell his friend that he disagreed but not to let it ruin their friendship. They both loved and respected each other very much, I believed they could both move past this.
       Unfortunately that wasn't what happened. Weeks and months went by where we saw less and less of this couple, which is rather extraordinary since we lived in the same building and frequented the same coffee shop a couple of blocks down the road. Before this event the couple had named us the Godparents of their first child. They had helped us find our apartment. My husband got the job he has now with the help of his friend, and they still work together. The wife had designed and made my wedding dress. This wasn't a shallow relationship. We would text them and ask them to hang out and receive no response. I would see either of them in the halls of our apartment building and wave and they would awkwardly wave back and walk away with no attempt at conversation. I remember the Fourth of July last year we all stood on our roof to watch the fireworks. They were up there with their community group and ignored us when we walked past. At some point the husband did come over and talk to Jeffrey a bit, but I felt he did his best to ignore my presence, even when I spoke directly to him. After about five minutes his wife walked over and pulled him away without saying a word to my husband or myself. It was that night I realized it was actually over. They had cut us out because we didn't want to be a part of their church. I went onto Facebook to write a message to his wife only to realize she had removed me from her Facebook friends. I went onto Twitter and saw they had both unfollowed me.
       I don't want to act like I was a perfect saint during this time frame. I was at times a flakey friend, I would forget to call when I said I would or cancel plans last second. I completely forgot to ever write the wife a thank you card for my wedding dress, but had expressed my gratitude verbally numerous times. I looked at all of these things hoping to find something I had done wrong that would explain their actions, but it still never made sense. My value in myself was already dangerously low and I do believe these events helped the onset of my eating disorder. I am in no way blaming them, my eating disorder is my own personal responsibility, but when they looked at me and found me worthless it confirmed everything I had always believed about myself. I was worthless and I needed to find a way to become worthy. I shifted all of my focus in life to becoming thin. Thinking about anything else hurt too much.
       I am currently in recovery and it is going really well. I am happy now and no longer believe I have to hide my true self and feelings from people. I still have some anger for Mars Hill, but I am working on it. I am working on forgiveness. I don't know if I should try and talk to those friends ever again. I don't know if that would be helpful or harmful since it seems they have just gotten deeper and deeper in the church. I hope that someday there will be resolution or closure, but right now I just can't imagine how that would even happen.