Mars Hill Refuge

Leaving Grudgeville

2012-03-01T14:42:00.000-08:00

I have been daydreaming, thinking about leaving Grudgeville for a while now. I have thought aboutwhat I will take with me, what I will sell, what I will leave behind withoutever looking back.

Where is Grudgeville, you ask? It is where I have been living, unhappily,for a few months now. Grudgevilleattracts the broken, the angry, the resentful, the abused, the addicted, thevictim. It is not a very nice place tolive. The homes are run down, the streets full of trash, abandoned buildingsand broken windows. It is overpopulated. This is not a place to raise kids!

I began asking myself how I would ever move away from thisawful place. What steps did I need totake? Who did I need to talk to? Who would I leave behind? What rights would Igive up when surrendering my citizenship? What would I gain by leaving? What would happen if I stayedindefinitely? Would I die here? I don’t know the answers to all thesequestions. Some of them I hope never tofind out.

Jarrid Wilson, in his Grudgeville post, writes:

"STOP:
I know what you’re thinking.
“But you don’t realize what they did to me.”
“You don’t understand how much they hurt me.”
And to be honest, you’re probably right. But that’s the point of Grace. It’s not earned, but everyone deserves a second chance anyway. Why? Because at one point, it was given to you.
All throughout our lives we will encounter people who will chew us up and spit us out, but that doesn’t mean you get a free ticket to Grudgeville. Grudgeville is the place where leaders fall, families decay, relationships shatter and the population is “Your Choice.” So until you can make peace with your attacker, you’ll always be living as a defender. And to be honest, you don’t want to live a life in defense.
Every grudge dropped is grace given."

But I am ready. I amselling my place here in Grudgeville. Do I have a "right" to be here? Some would say so.

But the truth is, I REALLY DON'T. The truth is, I don't deserve Grace. Neither do any of the citizens of Grudgeville or any neighboring towns. But, I have been given Grace nonetheless. Do those who have hurt me deserve Grace? No. But, I feel compelled to extend Grace because it was extended to me.

Grace is the very essence of who Jesus is. He extended grace to his rugged bunch of disciples, to Peter when he denied him, to the Samaritan woman at the well, to the woman who touched the hem of his garment, to Roman soldiers, tax collectors, the thief hanging on the cross next to him, to Judas, even to those who crucified Him. I mean, he was God after all, and he could have done anything he chose in those situations.

I hope you will walk with me as I make my journey out of Grudgeville. I am not sure how long it will take, how windy the road will be, and what pitfalls will happen along the way. I may need help moving the big pieces of furniture, I may need to be reminded of why I wanted to leave Grudgeville in the first place.

But leaving Grudgeville and embracing Grace equates to FREEDOM.

NOTE: If you haven't checked out PEOPLE OF THE SECOND CHANCE please take some time to do so!

Kaelee's Story ~ A Follow Up

2012-02-29T13:02:00.001-08:00

It’s been a crazy few weeks for me. After sharing my story on this blog I was asked to do an interview with a local news station about my experience at Mars Hill. I also finally made the decision to talk to the wife of the couple I spoke of in my story. After telling Sophia about my conversation with this woman she asked me to write a follow up post.

This is a poem I wrote after my experience at Mars Hill. I wrote it during the hardest part of recovery from my eating disorder:

I wish I could reach across the void between us,

I would fill it with all of the things we won’t say,

“You’ve changed,”

“You are judging me,”

“I envy you,”

Each tightly caged word, if spoken, could create a bridge,

We would meet in the middle.

But I am selfish and cowardly,

I hope you will do all the work.

So the void grows bigger,

Hope of crossing diminishes.

After reading the stories on this blog and choosing to share my own story, I began to find myself often thinking about healing, and what that would look like for me. Once again this brought up painful emotions, so I ignored them. I found it much easier to remain in an us-vs-them mindset regarding Mars Hill, and to simplify a very complicated problem down to Mars Hill and it’s mindsets.

After gentle encouragement from my therapist I finally decided to face my fears and speak with the wife of the couple who had hurt me. As displayed by the poem I wrote above, part of me always knew this is what needed to happen for my own healing. When I imagined this meeting I feared judgement, condemnation, and believed she would try and convert me or guilt me back into attending Mars Hill.

I am pleased to say how very wrong I was. Our meeting went wonderfully. We were both honest and open with each other about the events that had transpired and how they made us feel. She opened up to me about the religious pride she and her husband had struggled with. The flakey actions I discussed in my story had hurt her more than I realized. I also discovered that my own feelings towards Mars Hill turned out to be just as much to blame as their desire for my husband and I to attend. While she did say that Mars Hill preached the truth, and it was hard for her to see me rejecting the truth, she allowed me to disagree with her. For the first time she demonstrated that our relationship was more important to her than the matter of what church I attended. I don’t know if this attitude has always been there, or is more recent, but either way it is enough for me.

Virginia Woolf writes, “I have lost friends, some by death…others by sheer inability to cross the street.”

We have all been hurt. Some of those people who have hurt us will be unwilling to try and right their wrongs, they might try and shift the blame to you. If you risk it and try to talk to them you may leave even more wounded than you were before, but for me it was worth it for any amount of healing and clarification it could bring to my life. I can’t give anyone a formula to find forgiveness, I wouldn’t dare to be that presumptuous. Crossing the street happened to be the best decision I made during this process. My anger is gone and by pursuing my own healing I was finally able to forgive her in an honest fashion.

After my experience, I really just want to encourage everyone to be honest and open with themselves about what they need for healing and to trust that their own healing will lead to forgiveness. Don’t allow others to give you a formula for this process, and try to be realistic and understanding in your expectations of the people who have hurt you. There is always hope.

Something Beautiful

2012-02-26T21:21:00.002-08:00

This is an amazing song...be sure to listen all the way through. It reminds me of two ladies I know, Dee & Deb, who helped me tell my story. Enjoy!

Update to Speaks for Itself

2012-02-19T12:30:00.001-08:00

Please read my update to Speaks for Itself

Psalm 37

2012-02-19T12:17:00.000-08:00

This really spoke to me yesterday

A psalm of David.

¹ Don’t worry about the wicked
or envy those who do wrong.
² For like grass, they soon fade away.
Like spring flowers, they soon wither.

³ Trust in the LORD and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.

⁵ Commit everything you do to the LORD.
Trust him, and he will help you.
⁶ He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still in the presence of the LORD,
      and wait patiently for him to act.
   Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
      or fret about their wicked schemes.

⁸ Stop being angry!
      Turn from your rage!
   Do not lose your temper—
      it only leads to harm.
⁹ For the wicked will be destroyed,
      but those who trust in the LORD will possess the land.

A New Option for Those Hurt by Church

2012-02-17T12:22:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are not ready to step foot in a church building yet, The Wartburg Watch and Wade Burleson of Emmanuel Church in Oklahoma have begun a new ministry:

eChurch@Wartburg

Why eChurch?

"In our three years of writing this blog, we have become aware that a fair number of people have been so hurt and disillusioned by the church that they have dropped out of attending church altogether. After reading story after story about painful experiences, we don’t blame them. We both have been there.

Yet, many of these folks want to be around other Christians as evidenced by the numbers who visit blogs. Most of these have maintained their faith, but some have walked away or are seriously questioning if this faith is real.

So we wanted to provide a place in which a reader could get some of the benefits of church without the requirements that are often inherent in church attendance. We look at this place as a kind of halfway point between no church and church." ~TWW

Judged

2012-02-15T07:52:00.000-08:00

Sad but true in so many lives. We can do better.

The Gospel of Love

2012-02-13T21:32:00.001-08:00

If you only do one thing today, watch this sermon by a pastor in California. It is part of a series called "How to be a Good Christian and Other Religious Nonsense" which is a verse by verse series on the book of Galatians.

HERE IT IS AGAIN

The Gospel of Love

You Should Just Be Quiet

2012-02-10T17:24:00.000-08:00

Please read Matthew Paul Turner's Me, troublemaker? post.

Over the last few weeks, my husband and I, like Matthew, have gotten many comments implying that we should not be talking about our experience at Mars Hill. These commenters are knowingly or unknowingly employing the "Don't Talk" rule.

What is the "Don't Talk" rule?

David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen describe it in The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse like this:
"The can't talk rule has this thinking behind it: 'The real problem cannot be exposed because then it would have to be dealt with and things would have to change; so it must be protected behind walls of silence (neglect) or by assault(legalistic attack). If you speak about the problem out loud, you are the problem. In some way you must be silenced or eliminated." pg. 68

The authors point out that the people who talk about the problems don't CAUSE them, they EXPOSE them. Johnson & VanVonderen

In Healing Spiritual Abuse by Ken Blue says:
"One of the most troubling abusive traits in the dysfunctional church or denominational family is the unwritten "no talk" rule. This rule implies that certain problems in the group must not be exposed because then the group might look bad and things would have to change. The "no talk" rule itself is among those things never talked about. Healthy groups thrive on the free flow of information. Members have ready access to each other's opinions and concerns. Sick groups generally suffer from confused, defective or controlled communication."

Most often, for my husband and I, it comes in one of the following forms:

What you are doing is not contributing to the cause of Christ (so you should just be quiet)
What you are doing is not edifying (so you should just be quiet)
What can you do about it? Pastor Mark is a big "celebrity" and Mars Hill is a huge influence on Christian culture. You are just one person. (So you might as well be quiet). For fun, read Judges 6:1-16
I have had a wonderful experience at Mars Hill, you must have done something wrong. (So, please, just be quiet).

I have my moments when I feel like I should maybe, well, just be quiet. I mean, what about the people who did meet Jesus through Mars Hill? What about all the well meaning members who have nothing to do with all this?

And then I think of the people who have shared their stories, both publicly and privately. Some have lost faith in church, some have lost faith in people, some have lost faith in God. Some have lost family members, marriages, kids. Most have lost dignity.

There are people who are afraid of retaliation! Sometimes, I am one of them. This should not be happening in the church. The human part of us should be able to see past our associations and have empathy for those who have suffered, even if it was at the hands of someone we love or an organization we are part of!

I am with Matthew when he says:

"In my opinion, Mark is one of the most influential “Christian figures” affecting today’s “Christian culture”. His reach influences various aspects of Christian life: church growth, ministry, gender roles in the church, relationships, and more. Furthermore, Mark proactively seeks to influence and nurture young male pastors, church ministry workers, missionaries, etc. If Mark’s theologies, actions, and church management style only impacted Mars Hill, I probably wouldn’t care. Well, I would care and certainly make note of it, but I wouldn’t keep coming back to it. But Mark’s “gospel” bleeds into and affects how pastors of churches all over the country (and world) are managing their churches and ministries, from missions to church discipline. His words affect how pastors teach and manage and control a woman’s role in the church, home, work, etc. If you think I’m crazy, go read a month’s worth of comments on his Facebook wall. These pastors watch Mark. They sometimes idolize him. Sometimes they hang on his every word. And it’s all intentional. Mark doesn’t accidentally influence these pastors, it’s his passion and calling. From what I’ve heard and seen, Mark wants to influence how churches all over the world function. And that’s scary in my opinion."

When we started looking for a new church, after "the shun", we went to church after church (not Mars Hill or Acts 29). The first one was a bit far from us, and they asked us if we had heard of Acts 29 and that maybe we could find a church closer to home. Then the pastor announced they would be implementing The City soon.

The next one we went to seemed fine. We had been going for a few months. We missed a few services, and later found out that one of the services we missed was preached by...none other than Pastor Mark. A few weeks later they promoted his "Real Marriage" book as book of the week.

He is influencing all the Mars Hill campuses, 400+ Acts 29 churches, and countless other non affiliated pastors. It is concerning. It is harder to find a church, at least in our area, that is not a "fan" then it is to find one that is.

So, NO! I WILL NOT JUST BE QUIET! I am okay with being misunderstood. I am okay with being labeled the "problem". I am willing to lose a few friends. If telling our story and the stories of others helps one person, then it was worth it.

Some Amazing Reading

2012-02-08T16:49:00.000-08:00

I am super busy today...but I wanted to share some awesome blog posts I have been reading that I have found very encouraging!

I was validated by God's View of a Woman

I was encouraged by They Were Right About the Slippery Slope

I was deeply disturbed by Kidnapped for Christ

I was annoyed by Pastor Mark's Tweet (more on this later)

I was helped by When You Are Ready To Try Again: Going Back to Church

If you are a praying person, please pray for us as we make some important decisions! The Lord knows!

Sophia

Which Came First...The Berean or The Outcast?

2012-02-06T12:32:00.000-08:00

I think most of us who find ourselves here can identify with both the Berean and the Outcast. I was pondering the idea...do Bereans become Outcasts? Or do Outcasts become Bereans?

Be·re·an noun \bəˈrēən\

In the bible, the Bereans were the people who lived in the city ofBerea (present day northern Greece).

Easton's Bible Dictionarydescribes Berea as:

“A city of Macedonia to which Paul with Silas andTimotheus went when persecuted at Thessalonica (Acts 17:10,13), and from which also he was compelled to withdraw, when he fled to thesea-coast and thence sailed to Athens (14, 15). Sopater, one of Paul'scompanions belonged to this city, and his conversion probably took place atthis time (Acts20:4). It is now called Verria.”

In Acts 17:11-13, Luke writes:

And the people of Berea were more open-minded than those in Thessalonica, and they listened eagerly to Paul’s message. They searched the Scriptures day after day to see if Paul and Silas were teaching the truth. As a result, many Jews believed, as did many of the prominent Greek women and men. But when some Jews in Thessalonica learned that Paul was preaching the word of God in Berea, they went there and stirred up trouble. (NLT)

A Berean is simply a Christian that compares EVERYTHINGthey are taught to the Bible as the final authority.

Characteristics of the Berean:

She/he is eager for the Word of God (synonyms of eager: crazy,desirous, enthusiastic, excited, greedy, hungry, pumped, raring, thirsty,voracious)
He/she searches the scriptures daily (Doesn’t rely only on others for learning)
She/he uses discernment (He/she is not influenced by fame,prestige or influence of the preacher or leader, only the word, and judges thingsaccording to that standard)
He/she believes the Word, and influences othersto believe the truth (v. 12)
She/he is willing to suffer for the faith (v. 13and see below)

I recently read this old post, More Roles in a Toxic Faith System – Enabler, Victim, and Outcast, at The Wartburg Watch about the role of “TheOutcast” in the book Toxic Faithby Stephen Arteburn and Jack Felton.

Outcast noun \out-kast\

Dictionary.com defines outcast as:

"a person who is rejected or cast out, as from home orsociety: In the beginning the area was settled by outcasts,adventurers, and felons.
a homeless wanderer; vagabond.
rejected matter; refuse."

The Outcast (quoted from TWW which quoted the book):

"Of the five roles in the toxic-faith system, only one is not a religious addict or bound by toxic faith. In most toxic systems, someone can usually see the problem and confront it. Unwilling to play the games of the persecutors and co-conspirators, the person becomes an outcast.

The people who stand up for what is right and challenge the system lose their jobs, friends, and church. They become lone voices in the wilderness, crying out for change that will not come as long as the persecutor dictates power, the co-conspirators manipulate the system, the enablers allow it to continue, and the victims fall in line with blind faith. When outcasts surface, they are identified as TROUBLEMAKERS and pushed out of the system as soon as possible." (p. 201)

Characteristics of the Outcast: (p. 203)

Is not a religious addict
Does not possess a toxic faith
Willingly stands alone
Stands up for what is right
Is willing to be rejected by others in the toxic-faith system
Can discern right from wrong
Commits to leaders having integrity
Refuses to be victimized by false teaching and lack of integrity
Speaks out for truth
Usually loses a job within a toxic organization over concern for it
Suffers rejection by friends after challenging the leadership of those in the toxic-faith system
Often is treated as a leper
Is begged by others in the toxic-faith system to support the persecutor
Endures shame for actions
Refuses to respect or be manipulated by those in the toxic-faith system
Sees the truth and acts on it even if it produces great personal pain
Interprets reality for self
Is motivated to protect people from spiritual fraud
Is very dedicated to God and the people who seek a relationship with him
Commands respect of others for courage

"In a toxic faith system, no one is allowed to disagree. Ifthey ever try to speak out, they are labeled as complainers, negative thinkers,and not team players. "Loyalty is equated with blind faith andcomplete agreement with the leader". (p. 202)

"Outcasts who challenge the delusion of the system arediscredited immediately. The toxic-faith system creates a lose-losesituation where the outcasts must give up perceptions of reality or be willingto face complete rejection. Abandonment becomes the reward for trying tocorrect the ministry.

Outcasts can interpret reality for themselves. Even whentheir perception of reality contradicts that of hundreds and thousands offollowers, they can clearly see the problems and press for solutions to thoseproblems. Outcasts are unimpressed by position or personhood. Theylove God and want to protect his people and his institutions from spiritualfraud.

Those who are so dedicated to God have little difficulty seeingothers' dedication to ego and empires. Yet they are forced to suffer forwhat they see because they refuse to watch people live a lie and abuseothers. No toxic-faith system can handle this keen insight and dedicationto truth. They must place their jobs and the church they love on thealtar of sacrifice as they are forced to move on to a place free of toxicfaith." (p. 202)

I personally believe it can go either way. My husband was a Berean first, and because he refused to submit to teaching that was not in line with the Word, he became the Outcast. I think for me, it happened simultaneously! As I began to question, I began to search the scriptures (Berean-ish), and soon became the Outcast as well. I am forever grateful! It is one of the most valuable life lessons I have ever learned, and I am a different (perhaps better) person because of it.

The authors of Toxic Faith offer this hope for us Berean-Outcasts:

"God honors those who are willing to sacrifice theircomfort on the altar of what is right. God has a special place in hisheart for the heroes of a toxic-faith system. Those who stand upfor God and tell the world the emperor has no clothes will receive their rewardsooner or later." (p. 202)

Kevin Potts' Story

2012-02-03T13:03:00.000-08:00

I left in 2008 from Mars Hill Church. Their culture of abuse is frightening in its implications. Everything said on your blog [the Wartburg Watch], on Matthew Paul Turner's site, and on the Stranger is alarmingly accurate: the members are not encouraged to stand up to the leadership when it's acting with wrong motivations or wrong actions, they are told to remain quiet and to trust the leadership. There is no body to hold the leadership accountable to, and the church's authority structure is such that the only people to go to if you have an issue with one or more of its pastors is, unsurprisingly, another pastor. I can't imagine this being an environment, for anyone who takes a few moments to consider its implications, where anyone would feel safe expressing concerns about the leadership, let alone about Mark Driscoll.

For myself, my story is perhaps one of their earlier examples. At the time, I had been a member for nearly 8 years, having started at Mars Hill in 2000 and becoming a member just two months later with a much less rigorous membership process (which amounted to a quick 2-hour lesson from Driscoll on church leadership's structure, an indication of what being a member meant, handing out membership covenants to those attending, and letting us decide on our own if we wanted to become members). I had been having misgivings about the growth of the church and the increasing separation between the leadership and the congregation, but had largely kept this to myself.

Driscoll, in 2008, was preparing a sermon series entitled "Ask Anything", the intent being to set up a website where questions could be posted and voted on, with the top 5 questions (those that received the most votes) being the ones that Mark would build his preaching series on. Anonymous comments were allowed due to the software that was being used, and people used this to start bringing up questions about the firing of Paul Petry and probation of Bent Meyer that they felt they couldn't ask in the church itself, since they had been directly instructed by (then) pastor X, in an open letter to the members via the password-protected members' website (The City hadn't yet come into being, though it was close at the time), to remain quiet on the issue while the leadership worked to produce a unified document explaining their actions.

I made one comment on this site under the pseudonym of Kel, and had no further comments published. At the time, one person was using the title of "Concerned" in the comments, and was raising a bit more of a stink, though with some thoughtful and probing questions.

Around this time, I decided to transition away from the main Ballard campus over to the then-titled Wedgwood Campus, as it was geographically closer to where I lived (the campus became the Lake City Campus, which is now closed; its staff were largely absorbed into the Shoreline campus). I was serving as a stage manager in the morning for the Ballard campus, and had an exit interview with the head of the production department, XX. In this exit interview, a discussion of my discomfort with how the Petry/Meyer issue had been handled arose. I made a statement of "I have no interest in causing division. It would be easy to do so with how well connected I am in the church, but I have no interest in doing so."

This was communicated to senior leadership as "Kevin Potts indicated he's going to cause division in the church."

Shortly after that, I received an e-mail from the Pastor of Technology (and creator of The City). He asked me point-blank if I was "Concerned", the poster raising issues on the Ask Anything site. I indicated to him directly that I wasn't. A couple of days later he responded and indicated he thought I was, in fact, "Concerned", as that individual was making statements that echoed my exit interview with XX, as well as a statement I had made on the members' site in response to one member indicating it would be a shame if the leadership had to start tracking IP addresses between member posts and the anonymous comments on Ask Anything in order to figure out who were random posters and who were disgruntled members hiding behind pseudonyms. I indicated this wasn't a course that was wise to take, as there were people upset with the leadership, and such an action wouldn't engender the trust the leadership needed to get Mars Hill through the trying situation at the time.

This, according to Pastor of Tech, was me displaying an "unhealthy distrust for the leadership" at Mars Hill (eerily echoing the accusations levied against Paul Petry and Bent Meyer), and it was indicated that my membership was being put on suspension pending a meeting, as three elders had apparently concluded I was "in sin" (without ever having spoken to me first to hear my side of the story).

After much prayer and consideration, I chose to conclude my membership at Mars Hill Church. I sent an e-mail to XXX, as well as the then-head pastor of the campus I was transferring to. No "discipline contracts" were offered to me, as I don't think they'd have thought of something like that at the time. Some momentary communiques occurred between me and Pastor Q (who is now a Mars Hill pastor at their Albuquerque campus in New Mexico) shortly after both the Stranger and the Seattle Times had gotten ahold of me, as my name was on a list someone had circulated to those papers as people of interest to speak with regarding the truth, as we understood it, behind Paul and Bent's dismissals.

When I had spoken with Jonah Spangenthal-Lee from the Stranger, and Janet Tu from the Seattle Times, I had indicated in both instances that I didn't want my name used in their articles. I was still, at the time, living in a house owned by Mark Driscoll in Montlake, and didn't want my living situation jeopardized, as I didn't trust Mark or his assistant to do the right thing in light of this. In both discussions with the reporters, I only confirmed what they already knew, referring them to Mars Hill Church and Bent Meyer and Paul Petry for further discussion. Q eventually called me to find out if I was, in fact, the person who had spoken with the Stranger and the Seattle Times (and I doubt I was the only one who had), and I confirmed it for him, at which point he proceeded to lay a guilt trip on me, indicating I needed to go to the church and ask the forgiveness of the people I had harmed in talking with The Stranger (who he was sure to note to me "was no friend of Mars Hill, and no friend of Christ") and the Seattle Times.

Keep in mind I was already no longer a member at Mars Hill at this time, and yet he thought that he could still control me to the point of having me apologize to people I was no longer involved with in an attempt to repent of sin that it seemed he was the only one accusing me of, he and those he represented.

At a later point, Molly Worthen from the New York Times Sunday Magazine spoke with me. At that point all ties with Mars Hill were severed for me, and I would have suffered no ill consequences for speaking with her. I gave her my full permission to use my name in her article, which can be found at http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/11/magazine/11punk-t.html?_r=1&pagewanted=4 Curiously, she chose not to use my name, though on the 4th page of the article in the link I gave you, I'm the member she referenced in the third paragraph, the member who "complained on an online message board and instantly found his membership privileges suspended".

I was able to get out before they implemented the kind of behavior that Andrew is now experiencing. I'm horrified to hear he's experiencing it. Feel free to use my name and my story here (though you may want to remove the pastors' names, as I have no ability to authorize their use) in a blog post if it would be remotely helpful to anyone else who's going through the horrors of attempting to separate from Mars Hill Church.

Speaks for Itself

2012-02-03T09:56:00.001-08:00

Based on the comment below, I have decided to remove the picture I had posted here (the kool-aid pic). I removed it as I don't feel it contributes to what this blog is supposed to be about. Understandably, I have my "angry days" and this was posted on one of them. For those that don't know, the reason that many people refer to drinking the kool-aid specifically when it comes to Mars Hill is because of this Shut up and drink your juice box video.

However, the rest of that particular comment feels like another "You Should Just Be Quiet" comment, and so I invite you to read that blog post.

Sophia

A Letter to Our Sisters

2012-02-02T12:45:00.000-08:00

One of the main reasons I am doing this is for the women who I left behind. My heart breaks for and I continually pray for these wonderful ladies who did what was expected of them. May you find your way to true life and freedom.

My new friend, Christine , has something important to say to our sisters at Mars Hill:

"So, to women within Mars Hill, or any other community, who struggle with pervasive feelings of guilt and shame, who find themselves confessing and repenting but never feeling any better, who struggle with wanting to submit to their husbands (or who perhaps find a relief in submitting out of a fear of their own competence), I offer this: You can trust yourself. There’s a strong Biblical basis for you trusting yourself. I believe that your discontent is telling you something important. I think your so-called sinful desires that never really go away are not actually sin, but the imprint of God, the voice of the Spirit you received at both birth and baptism, guiding you in that still and silent way towards true life and freedom. Many of your sisters and brothers in Christ have held this theology of self-love, self-trust, and original goodness throughout the centuries. It is as legitimate as the messages you hear from your pulpit, just preached a little more quietly.

Get to know your own wise and trustworthy heart. There will be times where your behavior is not in line with your heart, and other times when you act on your desires in a misguided and even harmful way, but the solution always lies in listening more closely to the heart, not modifying the behavior. The Spirit of God resides within you, the image of God is imprinted on you, so dig through the junk that covers it up, and pursue your own heart. And, let me know how it goes."

Read Christine's full post: A MESSAGE TO DISCONTENTED CHRISTIAN WOMEN

Kaelee's Story

2012-02-01T18:18:00.000-08:00

My husband and I began attending Mars Hill at a very vulnerable time in our lives. We were newly engaged and had both recently moved out of our parents homes to start life in a big city. My husband's best friend and his wife had begun attending Mars Hill and loved it. They invited us along and we decided to go with them. At this point in my life I was surrounded by people that attended Mars Hill. My roommate was involved in a community group and they would be in our apartment often and pressure me to join. I had several coworkers who attended Mars Hill who very subtly would question my faith because I wasn't attending Mars Hill. I was very skeptical, but I also really wanted to fit in. I ignored my feelings and gave in to what people expected of me hoping it would help me avoid conflict. I was young, and I realize now how naive that mindset was.
We were attending Mars Hill every Sunday but we weren't involved in any way. In fact I usually would subtly try and be late so we could avoid the, "Meet and greet" I felt so much subtle judgement every time I shook someones hand and told them that no, we hadn't joined a community group yet. I also saw fear in the eyes of others like me when they went to shake my hand and expected the same guilt trip for not joining a community group, for wanting to attend the church a few times and decide if it was the right fit. Every sermon was painful for me. It's really hard for me to explain honestly. I had been attending church since I was very young and with that church I had always felt a sense of peace. I didn't always see eye to eye with everyone there and sometimes I felt judged by other members, but it didn't change the fact that my heart felt like it was in the right place. With Mars Hill I just felt sick. The messages didn't move me like the messages at my previous church had. The final straw for me was the sermon Mark delivered after going to Haiti for Earthquake relief. It really bothered me that he only focused on other churches during his trip. So many people were affected by that earthquake and he preached as though only other Christians there were worth his time. Then at the end of the sermon he yelled for 5-10 minutes about how people were not giving enough money to Mars Hill and if I remember correctly, stormed off the stage. The church I had spent most of my life in so far had never asked anyone for money. They didn't even pass around an offering bucket. We had a love box in the back and I never heard my pastor ask for money once. He would speak about projects they were hoping to undertake and how they were praying that God would provide the means, and God always did. After that sermon I talked to my husband (Fiancé at the time) and we both decided that Mars Hill wasn't the place for us.
I wish that was the end of my story, but unfortunately it is not. At that time my husband's best friend and his wife were becoming more and more involved in the church. They were becoming members but we were still hanging out with them and everything seemed fine. Fast forward a month or so and this friend of my husband asks him out to coffee. My husband goes and comes back visibly upset. We go out for dinner where he tells me that his best friend had said that my husband loved me too much, was idolizing me, that I had gone off the deep end, and then started bad-mouthing everything Jeffrey had learned from a previous mentor in our old church. This was very hard for me to believe. I told my husband I thought his friend was just confused and even though his words were incorrect they were most likely spoken out of love. I told my husband he should listen to his own heart and tell his friend that he disagreed but not to let it ruin their friendship. They both loved and respected each other very much, I believed they could both move past this.
Unfortunately that wasn't what happened. Weeks and months went by where we saw less and less of this couple, which is rather extraordinary since we lived in the same building and frequented the same coffee shop a couple of blocks down the road. Before this event the couple had named us the Godparents of their first child. They had helped us find our apartment. My husband got the job he has now with the help of his friend, and they still work together. The wife had designed and made my wedding dress. This wasn't a shallow relationship. We would text them and ask them to hang out and receive no response. I would see either of them in the halls of our apartment building and wave and they would awkwardly wave back and walk away with no attempt at conversation. I remember the Fourth of July last year we all stood on our roof to watch the fireworks. They were up there with their community group and ignored us when we walked past. At some point the husband did come over and talk to Jeffrey a bit, but I felt he did his best to ignore my presence, even when I spoke directly to him. After about five minutes his wife walked over and pulled him away without saying a word to my husband or myself. It was that night I realized it was actually over. They had cut us out because we didn't want to be a part of their church. I went onto Facebook to write a message to his wife only to realize she had removed me from her Facebook friends. I went onto Twitter and saw they had both unfollowed me.
I don't want to act like I was a perfect saint during this time frame. I was at times a flakey friend, I would forget to call when I said I would or cancel plans last second. I completely forgot to ever write the wife a thank you card for my wedding dress, but had expressed my gratitude verbally numerous times. I looked at all of these things hoping to find something I had done wrong that would explain their actions, but it still never made sense. My value in myself was already dangerously low and I do believe these events helped the onset of my eating disorder. I am in no way blaming them, my eating disorder is my own personal responsibility, but when they looked at me and found me worthless it confirmed everything I had always believed about myself. I was worthless and I needed to find a way to become worthy. I shifted all of my focus in life to becoming thin. Thinking about anything else hurt too much.
I am currently in recovery and it is going really well. I am happy now and no longer believe I have to hide my true self and feelings from people. I still have some anger for Mars Hill, but I am working on it. I am working on forgiveness. I don't know if I should try and talk to those friends ever again. I don't know if that would be helpful or harmful since it seems they have just gotten deeper and deeper in the church. I hope that someday there will be resolution or closure, but right now I just can't imagine how that would even happen.

Our Story

2012-02-01T13:33:00.000-08:00

Here is are easy links to our story:

Sophia's Story

UnReformed's Story

The Stranger Writes: Church or Cult?

2012-02-01T09:21:00.000-08:00

Brendan Kiley, writer for The Stranger (and indie newspaper in the Seattle area), addresses the question we have all been asking ourselves.

The Stranger Article: Church or Cult?

Dear Church: Shut Up and Listen!

2012-02-01T08:57:00.000-08:00

Dianna Anderson wrote this over at MPT:

http://matthewpaulturner.net/jesus-needs-new-pr/why-the-church-needs-to-shut-up-and-listen-a-guest-post

Makes me think of this:

Redirected to Jesus...Step in the Right Direction?

2012-01-31T17:04:00.000-08:00

I have to confess, it is very easy to get on a witch hunt with Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill. I am guilty of losing focus on helping others like me and focusing too much on Mark's every move and then criticizing it. My original intention in starting this blog was to create a safe haven for people who have been hurt by Mars Hill. It was to collect all the stories in one place, so that someone who is questioning what they are experiencing can easily locate them. It is my hope to help people, not harm people, and that includes Mark Driscoll and my former campus pastors and elders.

It is important to tell our stories, and I hope that by telling how the authoritarian structure and gender gospel at Mars Hill has hurt me, and is hurting others, both those with stories and those involved in the stories will be helped. I would LOVE for Mars Hill to repent, change the way the church is "governed", and seek to apologize to those who have been hurt. I have many people (though they no longer speak to me) who are still there and who I care about very much.

Yesterday, I was posting a comment on a blog and attemptedto re-link to the doctrinal statement that I referenced in my story. To my surprise, the page redirected here:

http://marshill.com/about/a-word-on-our-doctrinal-statement

and here:

http://marshill.com/pages/jesus

Does this mean that the concerns are being heard? One of the main concerns I had was thefollowing statement from the doctrinal statement:

"We also believe that particular spiritual gift(s) areneither essential, nor prove the presence of the Holy Spirit, nor are anindication of deep spiritual experience (1 Corinthians 12:7, 11, 13; Ephesians4:7–8). We believe that God does hear and answer the prayer of faith, inaccordance with His own will, for the sick and afflicted (John 15:7; 1 John5:14, 15). We believe that it is the privilege and responsibility of everybeliever to minister according to the gift(s) and grace of God that is given tohim"

This concerned me because it basically says, “just becauseyou think you are being led by the Holy Spirit doesn’t mean you actually are”. It is my greatest hope that they are reevaluating thedoctrinal statement. Being redirected toJESUS is awesome.

Do You?

2012-01-31T06:00:00.000-08:00

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings ~ Maya Angelou

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Beauty from Ashes – Good News for the Oppressed

2012-01-30T09:49:00.000-08:00

Isaiah 61:1-9

I have been thinking about this scripture a lot lately. The first part is actually talking aboutJesus, and is a prophecy about him that he then quotes in Luke 4:18. I have read this scripture many, many times, but in light of the lastweek or so, I see it differently. Thebeginning is talking about Jesus, but isn’t our life purpose to be sanctifiedto be more like Him?

¹ The Spirit ofthe Sovereign LORD is upon me,
      for the LORDhas anointed me
      to bring goodnews to the poor.
   He has sent me to comfort thebrokenhearted
      and toproclaim that captives will be released
      and prisonerswill be freed.^[a]
² He has sent meto tell those who mourn
      that the timeof the LORD’s favor has come,^[b]
      and with it,the day of God’s anger against their enemies.

Is it not MY responsibility to bring Good News to the poor, to comfortthe brokenhearted, to proclaim FREEDOM to those held captive? How can I best do that in the context of mylife?

³ To all whomourn in Israel,^[c]
      he will give acrown of beauty for ashes,
   a joyous blessing instead ofmourning,
      festive praiseinstead of despair.
   In their righteousness, theywill be like great oaks
      that the LORDhas planted for his own glory.

There are many lessonsthat have come out of the MH experience. The Lord, in Isaiah, offers us beautyfor ashes. So here is my list ofbeautiful things that have come from the ashes of our MH experience:

I have become a Bereanalongside my husband (he’s always been one) Acts 17:11
I have fallen in lovewith and learned to trust and run to the Word of God and want to live the Spirit-ledlife. I am grateful for and eager for the Holy Spirit’s direction, comfort,ministry and presence in my life. It is something I now know I believe in withsuch conviction that nobody will ever be able to convince me of anything else.
I trust the gift ofdiscernment God has given me.
The realization and true conviction that I want to train my kids in godliness through my example andI want them to see me live out my faith in the context of everyday life, witheveryday people. I do not want them to be in a church where they are taughtelitism, but rather want them in a church where they are taught about themercy, grace and love of God and how those gifts of God spurn us into holyobedience not out of fear, but out of love and gratefulness for the gifts Hehas given us.
I feel convicted toseek justice for the oppressed and spiritually abused. I cannot stand by silently any more. I have read many other stories, and joinedthe “Fellowship of the Wounded”.
I am less judgmentaland able to have compassion for those who are suffering. I have learned that the ground is TRULY levelat the foot of the cross.
My husband and I areunited in a way we never have been before.
I have (finally!) putmy priorities in the right order. Myrelationship with God (not the church), my husband, my kids, my extended familyand friends, and then church.
I no longer holdpastors who are in the spotlight in high esteem only because they are in thespotlight.
I will never, out ofdesperation, accept instant friendships as being real. True friendship develops over time.

What about you? What beauty have you found in the ashes ofyour experience?

Questions

2012-01-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I shared my story on The Wartburg Watch. I am grateful to Deb and Dee for helping mefind the courage to speak out and tell my story. Today, I am very discouraged. I guess I had the expectation that thetelling of our story would be met with outrage. Battle cries. Compassion. A massive outpouring of support. The people at TWW have been amazing andsupportive. Beyond that, the silence hasbeen deafening.

I spent the last several months asking God what I was supposedto do with this experience. What was the purpose? Why did it happen? How can believers do this to other believers?

Is anyone listening? I am wondering where I go from here? Do I keep shouting it from the rooftops? Do placeit on the altar?

Do I ask the hardquestions of the people who have harmed me? Do I even bother when I know thatdoing so is risking further abuse? Am Iwilling to risk them diverging private information about my husband and myself? Did they do so already? Is it really possible to maintain the one friendship I still have, when I cannot be myself and express my pain?

Will others share their stories? Is the pain so deep and the fear so greatthat they can’t?

How can I best glorify God in this situation?

Mars Hill Discipline Contract Makes It's Way Into the Light

2012-01-24T23:36:00.000-08:00

A young man named Andrew who was a member at Mars Hill Ballard campus for approximately two years has come forward with a discipline contract he was given by elders at the Ballard campus.

The discipline contract is available in it's entirety and private follow up letter to members of MH posted on the City instructing them on how to properly deal with Andrew in public are available on Matthew Paul Turner's Blog.

Matthew 18:15 - "If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back."

Matthew Paul Turner - Mark Driscoll Part 1
Matthew Paul Turner - Mark Driscoll Part 2

Why We Are Here

2012-01-20T14:14:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Mars Hill Refuge. We exist to allow a place for people who have left Mars Hill to tell their stories. This is meant to be a safe haven for those who have been wounded by their experience with Mars Hill Church. We have our own story (see Our Story). We have found many stories in various places on the internet, but we believe that those who are starting their "exodus" from Mars Hill need a place to find stories like theirs. When we started seeing red flags, we were very confused and felt "crazy" because you become so immersed in Mars Hill "culture" that you are not sure...

We have no desire to be a watchdog blog. While we do feel that there are many things wrong at Mars Hill and with Mark Driscoll's twisted "gospel", we do not want to focus on him but on becoming more Christ-like and helping others discern the truth that sets them free. There are many wonderful blogs that intelligently address these issues. If you would like to participate in those discussions, you can find links to them on our "Things We Like" page.

Would you like to tell your story? Please click on the "More Stories" link for more information.

Mars Hill Refuge

Leaving Grudgeville

Kaelee's Story ~ A Follow Up

Something Beautiful

Update to Speaks for Itself

Psalm 37

**This really spoke to me yesterday**

A New Option for Those Hurt by Church

Judged

The Gospel of Love

You Should Just Be Quiet

Some Amazing Reading

Which Came First...The Berean or The Outcast?

Kevin Potts' Story

Speaks for Itself

A Letter to Our Sisters

Kaelee's Story

Our Story

The Stranger Writes: Church or Cult?

Dear Church: Shut Up and Listen!

Redirected to Jesus...Step in the Right Direction?

Do You?

Beauty from Ashes – Good News for the Oppressed

Questions

Mars Hill Discipline Contract Makes It's Way Into the Light

Why We Are Here

This really spoke to me yesterday